Happy Birthday #3!

I was joking one day that I am so old and forgetful that it's getting hard to keep the kids' names straight. Since we now have 7, I thought it was funny to call them by their birth-order numbers. (Yes, I am easily amused.) Now I am using their numbers on my blog, so as to protect their privacy.
Let me tell you about our precious daughter, 3. When I first met her in 1999, she was 14, and even then you could see the gift that God gave her for children. She was always the one who would play with the kids when we had family get-togethers. She has an immeasurable amount of patience and love for every child. Her smile can light up a room. She is smart and kind and fun-loving. She is also blessed to have found a wonderful husband, and together they have a baby mixed breed puppy named Pixie.
One day when I grow up, I hope I can be as much fun as 3 is. I love you, girl!

sift sift (ouch) shake sift (ouch) peace, rest, peace

One day I felt the Lord reminding me that I am a work in progress. He told me that I MUST be sifted as wheat. I really wish He did not have to do that, because it hurts. If I had my way I would never let myself be hurt. But then again, before I surrendered to The Lord, I did have my own way and I always did stupid things that caused me to get hurt anyway.
So should I choose to let Him sift me and be hurt, or should I just go back to my own ways? Of course it is better to give in to His work in me! If I live for Him, somehow from my puny little self He will manage to get some Glory. He deserves as much Glory as He can sift out of me, because I am His, and He made me!
So this is where the title of my Blog came from. I hope to share with you a few of my sifting experiences, as My Father shapes me into the woman He designed me to be.

Fatherless? NOT!!!

Yesterday was a big day for me. I picked up the phone and called a man I have never met...my biological father.

I only know a few things about him: his name(*****)for privacy, what state he was from (NY), and that he was in the Naval Reserve in 1965 at my conception. My mother met him while he was on duty at Millington, TN. I was born April 28, 1966, so I guess I was conceived sometime in July 1965. Both my mother and grandmother told me he was "very handsome", but neither can remember any specific details about his appearance. I understand that, as my memories have already begun to fade at my age, too.
Mom says she called and told him I was coming, but by then he had returned to his home in NY. She mailed him my picture after I was born. He told Mom he would come see me the following summer. She never saw him again, but she had moved on by then herself.

Armed with these scraps of information, I occasionally searched for him. I wasn't sure what I would do if I found him, but I Googled anyway. I was surprised that there are so many people in the US with that name. My secret hope was that he would jump out of the computer and flag me down...that the needle in the haystack would stick me in the arm. Finally one day I found a web address with his name: http://www.****.com/. How about that??? Could it be so simple? There was a picture there, too. of a man with a smile that was similar to mine. THAT MUST BE HIM!!!!! OMG!!!

I showed his picture to my mother, sister, husband. It was fun, thinking this could be him. I saw he wore a wedding ring. I began to dream of brothers and more sisters. I wondered how wonderful it would be to have a father. I knew I did not need to do anything else until I asked God, so I waited. And waited. And waited. I finally asked Him about a month later. I told God I did not want to do anything out of His will, but that I REALLY wanted to contact this man and find out if he is my Father. I asked God to bless this, and let me know if He wanted me to walk away from this. I was secretly afraid He would tell me to leave it alone. But He didn't...He gave me the "go ahead".
The same day, after I got home, I wanted to pick up the phone and call him. I did pick up the phone, but I felt an overwhelming, all consuming fear and could not dial. I cannot describe the way that fear attacked me, but I know from the Word that fear does not come from God. I knew I should not let fear win, but it did that day.
Since I was calling this man at his business, I had to wait until Monday to try again. I determined to be armed against fear Monday, so Sunday I asked a few prayer warriors I know to help me out, and they did. Monday morning I finished my 1st round of waking up chores, fed Brooky her breakfast, and headed for the phone. I prayed and felt His Spirit moving as well as the accompanying prayers of my friends. Now, if you can't get boldness from that, something's really wrong!

Can you believe it? I actually fought the fear of rejection, picked up the phone, and asked a stranger if he might be my father. OK, to be truthful, I dialed the phone number once, got scared when I heard a lady's voice, and hung up.
I was thinking "stupid, stupid, stupid...don't let the fear take over..." I dialed again. This time when the lady answered I used my fake business/professional voice and asked "Is Mr. (*****) available?"
She said "I'll see...may I tell him who's calling?"
Wishing he would recognize my first name and answer the phone breathlessly asking
"Are you my long lost daughter that I have been searching for these 42 years?",
I gave her my name and waited for her to return. I just knew she would say "I'm sorry, but he is busy. May I take a message?". But she didn't.
Suddenly I heard a man's voice...the man who might be my father...the man who might not love me or even care that I was born.

And he said........ "Hello?"

With the fake business/professional voice on the outside, but the little girl voice dictating in my head the rest of the call went something like this:

"Mr. (*****) I'm calling on a personal matter, and I'm sorry to bother you first thing on a Monday morning, as I know you are busy. But I am looking for someone with your name, who was in the military reserve in 1965. I don't know how old you are, but could that be you?"
"No, that's not me" he said very kindly...(probably relieved that I had stopped talking long enough to breathe)
I apologized and stuttered some nonsense that I seem to have blocked, then laughed artificially. Realizing how dumb I sounded, I wanted to escape quickly but he asked "Why?"
I answered "Well, I was told that he is my biological father. Which explains why I am stumbling over my words and sounding so foolish"
"Oh, I'm sorry, but I can't help you", spoken so gently.
"Oh, it's OK. But I thank you for your time and I hope you have a wonderful day."
Click...phew. It was over.

So, why was yesterday such a big day for me? I didn't hear the answer that I so greatly wanted. I still do not know my earthly father. I still wonder if I have brothers or sisters out there somewhere. I still do not know anything about my heritage, my DNA, my roots.
Maybe I will never find him, but I will never be fatherless. I have the Greatest Father of all! My Father in Heaven loves me abundantly and excessively more than any person ever will. He provides everything that I need. He is ENOUGH for me. I will be satisfied with whatever He gives me, because He is worthy of my trust. He is Holy, True, Loving, Faithful, Kind, Merciful, Graceful, and more things than I can name. My brain is not big enough to comprehend Him and His Greatness. And best of all, HE will NEVER fail me. He will always be perfect.
He helped me yesterday to make the phone call. I asked Him to remove my fear, and He did. I asked Him to give me a voice, and He did. He comforted me in my disappointment. He reminded me of His love. He fathered me, as only He can.