I am 16 years old, and I live with my mother, sister, and stepfather. My mother is married to a man I detest. If I were to begin the list of reasons this story would take another turn, and I must stay on task. I am angry at my mother because I don’t trust the decisions she makes for me. I am angry at my sister because she is never pleasant and only finds delight in tormenting me. I am angry at my stepfather because he is a pervert. I am afraid.
The only place I find any form of happiness is in the choir room at school, or on the stage rehearsing with the drama students. Singing has always taken me away from my problems. For me, singing is a treasure that God gave me to survive this world.
As much as I love singing and music of any kind, it is not enough. I still search for acceptance, validation, protection, safety, love. I live in fear of so many things: rejection, ridicule, abandonment, death, pain, homelessness, starvation. I think I need to find the right man to provide for me and keep me safe from all my fears. I think I am not pretty enough, because no one ever asks me out.
I am not good enough to have all the things other girls my age have, like normal parents, a boyfriend, good clothes and shoes, etc. I can’t wait to become a legal adult, so I can go get all the things I am supposed to have. My mom can’t do it, so I will just have to take care of myself. Everyone tells me I have a bright future ahead of me. My bright future is going to make me rich and happy and I am gonna buy all the things I want and cannot have now. I am going to prove to everyone who does not care about me that I never really needed them and they never hurt me.
(To be continued…)
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