Shame 3

(Continued, age 16)

So my life plan is to go to college and become a choir teacher. I will find a perfect man one day and he will ask me to marry him. We will live happily ever after in prosperity. We will have perfect kids who will require no effort to raise. I am not going to get divorced like my mother and father, and I will never make any bad choices that hurt them or make them afraid. I will not let them be hurt, and they will never be dressed like a poor kid. No one will ridicule them and they will be popular in school. I am smart and I have it all figured out.

We live in an apartment complex on the Island. It has nasty carpet that too many feet have walked on before us, and roaches. My mother is an obsessive housekeeper, so the rest of the place is clean. We just stay off of the carpet and protect our food from the roaches. My sister and I share a tiny bedroom, and we fight about everything. Mom and step dad "LP" irritate me, so I try to avoid them. I am passing the time until adulthood. Every day I find something to look forward to, and if nothing exciting is planned, I will make something happen. I hang out with anyone who accepts me.

Once I met a guy (L) with blond hair, blue eyes, dark tan, and gorgeous smile. He is my age but he quit school, and works as a roofer. I think he is cool because he works and makes money and is close to being independent. He smokes and drinks and has a yellow Fender Stratocaster. He dreams of playing guitar with Stevie Ray Vaughn. His parents are older, and he lives with them, but they don't tell him what to do. They let me stay at their house a lot, so I don't have to see my family unless I want to. I don't see him as the man I will one day marry, but I love him in some way. I ride my bicycle back and forth from my house to his. We smoke dope a lot and eat, so I am afraid of getting fat. My friend from school usually gives me a couple of hits of speed in the mornings, so I can stay awake and skip meals. L and I are together for over a year before I get pregnant.