Shame 4

Being pregnant doesn't fit my plan. I have to finish high school. I am too young and my future is too bright. Everyone will think I am an idiot. All the people who think I am nobody will be right. I'm not ready to get married, and I can't take care of a baby by myself. I can't tell Mom or anyone, because I am ashamed. I knew what I was doing, and I thought I was too smart to get pregnant. I can't think about this today. I'm just gonna wait and see…maybe I'm not really pregnant…maybe I'll get my period…maybe I'll have a miscarriage…maybe no one else will ever have to know. I can't think about this right now anyway. I am afraid…this is my worst nightmare come true. This can't be happening.

This is the merry-go-round that I have spun on for about 6 weeks.

Finally I have accepted the fact that I am pregnant. Even though I have not had a pregnancy test, I know it is true. My body is doing strange things. I am terrified. Oh, my God, what am I going to do??? Why me? Isn't my life screwed up enough without THIS? If only I hadn't gotten pregnant. If only I could undo this. If this would just go away, no one would ever have to know my shame. I can't think about this today…it's too hard. What am I going to do? It's just one stupid mistake. This is going to ruin my life. I can't let this ruin my life.

OK, I have made up my mind. I can have an abortion and this fear and worry will all be gone. I won't have to tell anyone, and my life will not be wrecked. I can undo this…it's legal, and lots of women do it all the time. If it was wrong then no one would do it, right? It's ok if I do it because I am important, right? This is the only way I can have what I want. This is the only answer. This is the most logical thing to do. But isn't it a life?