Shame 5

When I told my mother, she took it fairly well. When she got pregnant with me as an unwed mother, I think she felt rejected by some of her family. So she went above and beyond to show me love and acceptance at this time. I never really asked her what to do, I just presented the financial, educational, and marriage arguments and told her I had already made up my mind. She offered many times to figure out a way to make it work if I wanted to have the baby, but I refused to consider it. Once I told her what I wanted, she had to help me figure out how to get it done. I placed an unfair burden on her.

So we went to the clinic and the pregnancy test confirmed what I already knew. I remember the doctor said he could already feel that my uterus was growing. We passed from one room to another for paperwork, lab, exam, nurse, and social worker, as the stress mounted at every stop. In the last office we were denied financial aid as Mom made too much money. That caused her to explode and me to cry. What a mess I had created.

We went home in despair, and Mom told the stepfather, "LP". She called my father's mother and asked to borrow money, but was told no. Finally she called her own mother and stepfather, telling them all of what I had so desperately wanted to keep secret. I didn't talk to any of them myself, but the impression I got was that Grandma was horrified and Grandpa was completely supportive. Of all the people in my family, the only one who was willing to help me get what I wanted was the same man who molested me as a child. His view of the matter was exactly what I wanted to hear…no guilt; just an easy medical procedure and a few hundred dollars and I would get a "do-over".

The plan was for me to fly to Dallas for the Thanksgiving holiday and get it done. I missed my BFF Cheri and needed her, and all I could think about was going home. I was still furious that Mom and "LP" had moved us 6 hours from our home in Ft Worth to Galveston the year before. I hated going to a new school and missed the friends I had grown up with. I just wanted to go home and escape the situation I was in. I fixed my heart on home and thought if I could only get there everything else would be ok.

The ride to the Houston airport that day was surreal. Mom was so tender with me and we talked about our lives and the world and growing up. I finally got up enough nerve to ask her the question that had stayed buried for the last few years. I asked her if "Daddy" was really my daddy, and she told me that he wasn't. He was killed a few years before in a work-related accident, so Mom had to hire a lawyer for top secret legal stuff that I was too young to be told about. One day I found a piece of paper that said he (OC) had given me his name although I was not his. In spite of the fact that I already knew deep in my heart, I was shocked by the confirmation. What I felt was betrayal, because in that moment I understood that my entire adult family had lied to me my whole life. I kept a brave face on until I got on the plane, then I cried quietly through the flight. My soul began to mourn in a way that I did not even understand.

As I got off the plane and entered the airport, I saw my grandpa immediately. He waved me to hurry and as we walked to the baggage claim he explained that he had already made an appointment and we were going straight to the clinic for the abortion. I was terrified…I tried to tell him I wanted to go to Cheri first, but he said I had to get it over with. I wanted to call her, but he said there was no time. I stopped arguing and cried as he drove.