We arrived at the clinic and I was surprised by its appearance. It was just an ordinary building, but there was an oppression that I felt there. I was not spiritually awake enough then to understand it. He signed me in and we sat for maybe 5 minutes. They asked PK if he wanted to pay extra to have me knocked out but it was too much money. He told me call him when I was done and he would pick me up, then left. I tried to keep my tears to myself, but they were too deep…I seemed to have no ability to control them. Undoubtedly I was making everyone uncomfortable, so they moved me to a room in the back where I was left alone to watch a video. The video was a pretty young lady who had a "condition". She checked into the clinic as though it was a hotel, laid on a table, then happily skipped away…free from the consequences of her choices.
As in the pregnancy clinic in Galveston, I moved from one room to another…lab, ultrasound, exam room, social worker. I was terrified, selfish, alone, desperate, and in despair. I wanted the fear to be gone, and I thought this was my only choice. Finally I was moved into the room where the procedure would be performed. As my soul mourned and I could not stop the tears, a counselor was brought in to calm me down. She held my hand and whispered soothing words to me so that I could not hear the other sounds in the room. But I heard everything anyway. The doctor assumed I was crying because I was afraid of the procedure, so he attempted to help me by explaining each step as he went. Comprehension came with every word from him…too late to stop it as my child was murdered in my womb, then removed. Above me on the ceiling was a picture of a kitten hanging from a limb by one paw…urging me to hang on. I focused on that picture and on the counselor's voice, and after an eternity it was finished and I was moved into a recovery area. I was relieved it was over, but something was different. I was finally able to stop the tears but my heart was sore, and I felt disgust for myself. I cannot pinpoint the moment, but it dawned on me that I had carried a son. I didn't know how I knew that, but it was a truth that resounded in me.
PK picked me up and began to make conversation with me as he drove, but I began to vomit. I could not get the hatred out of me. When I finally arrived at Cheri's, I was able to tell her enough. She and her family treated me like their own…I never felt more loved by them. I put on my mask and tried to pretend I was the girl on the video, not just that day but for many years afterward. I wanted to bury it and pretend it had never happened, but at the same time I wanted to justify my choice to myself.
What is clear to me now is that all of the things I hoped to prevent by having an abortion came to pass anyway. My family and close friends found out and were ashamed of me, and my future was forever changed. I did go on to college, but the wounds to my soul from that day stopped me from walking the path that I thought was ahead of me. The enemy of my soul tempted me to abortion with happiness, prosperity, and peace, and I accepted what he offered, but it was all a LIE. I didn't get anything he offered me.
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