Sharing My Secret

In 1982 I was 16 years old and thought I knew everything. I had a deceased father and my mother was caught up in her own struggles against sin. I was a recreational drug and alcohol user. Above all, I was in bondage to fear and insecurity in every area of my life. I used a boyfriend to escape the realities of my family. I thought I was mature enough to have sex as long as I prevented pregnancy. But ultimately I lost control and got pregnant in spite of my great wisdom.

There were many logical reasons that I chose to have an abortion. They were financial, emotional, and prideful reasons. I was afraid my high school and college education would be interrupted. I knew I could not raise and support a child. I was afraid everyone would think badly of me. I was old enough to have sex but too young to be a mother. I thought I had to have an abortion so that I could undo the mistake I made by getting pregnant.

And I kept denying the fact that I was even pregnant. I would not think of a baby being inside me. I refused to accept it, until I faced the doctor and he told me the test was positive and he could feel that my uterus was enlarged. I was told that 'it' was only tissue and that I could undo this whole confusing and fearful mess with a simple medical procedure. I accepted that lie because it was what I wanted to hear.

I recall very clearly most of the events of that day, even though I tried to forget for years. The man who molested me when I was a child took me to the clinic. He was the only one who assured me I was making the right choice. I wept uncontrollably from the time I walked into the clinic, so they separated me from the rest of the women there, so as not to upset them. I did not understand then that my soul was mourning because my brain would not accept the truth. Isolated in that room, I watched a video of a pretty young lady who had the same 'condition' as I. They depicted her as a carefree person who was ready to hop up on the table and have all her problems solved. She nearly bounced up afterwards and cheerfully went back to her life as though everything were ok. But the video did not portray the truth. It did not tell me of the wounds that were inflicted as my womb was opened to destroy the life that God created. Nor did it describe the horrible sound of the machine that removed the remains of his body from mine. There was no warning that I would immediately have a higher risk of miscarriages, breast cancer, infertility, anger, bitterness, depression, drug and/or alcohol abuse, and emotional deadening. The video did not prepare me for wondering what my son's life would have been every year on the anniversary of his death.

I was never better or even the same after the 'procedure'. I tried to pretend that I did not hate myself for it. I tried to contain the anger, but it burst out for many years afterwards. I took it out on my husband, children, other family, and friends. I wanted my life to be good, I tried to control everything and justify the great lengths that I had gone to that day to make my life good.

The day I had my abortion I was traumatized. The trauma had tentacles that affected decisions, behaviors, and many areas of my life. Although I did not recognize it at the time, I became frozen, locked into a pattern of trying to control everything and make my life what I wanted. I sought pleasure and safety in every person and place except God. I refused to submit to Him because I believed He was only an observer of my life but was not interested in who I was or what I was doing to myself. I did not believe that He was able and willing to protect me. I thought He was not directly involved in my life because He was busy with the perfect people. I thought He didn't care what I did. I thought He put me here to fend for myself.

Because I buried the horrors of that day I remained in captivity to the trauma. It was a losing battle, until I accepted Christ. When I spoke my vow and accepted Him as Lord and Savior, I felt that He technically had to forgive me because the Bible said so, but that He didn't really care about me anymore. The enemy of my soul still had me convinced that God did not love me as much as His other children, because of what I had done. I was convinced that I was not allowed to receive all the blessings He promised me in the Bible: peace, joy, wholeness, and healing.

My healing began when I talked to God about my abortion. He peeled away the layers of lies that I had accepted. I walked step-by-step through a healing process
 that was written by the Holy Spirit, through another woman who knew exactly what I was feeling, because she had also had an abortion. Now that I no longer have the secret, the enemy can't use it as a weapon against me. Today I am FREE of the shame and self condemnation, because I accept that the Lord has completely and graciously forgiven me. He showed me that He was always there with me, and that He loved me even the day that I murdered Joshua. He knew that inside I was a wounded, terrified little girl. He showed me that His power to forgive is greater than anything my mind can comprehend. He gave His Son so that I could be forgiven for killing mine. How can I thank Him enough for that? His ability and desire to forgive me and love me is inexplicable.

Please do not think that my purpose is to portray myself as a tragically heroic woman who survived this horror. If I could take back that decision I would in a heartbeat. The only reason I can be joyful today is because of His mercy, grace, and forgiveness. I am determined to reach out to other women and share what God has done for me, because I know He loves them too. As long as abortion is legal, there will be wounded mothers out there who need to know that God still loves them. The enemy offers abortion as a solution to a worldly problem, but it does not solve anything. It causes an innocent baby to die a horrible death. It also injures the mother, father, grandparents, and everyone else in the family in some capacity. It is the desire of my heart that not another person on the planet Earth will ever have an abortion. I hope that sharing my story will inspire at least one person to defend the unborn and fight abortion, in Jesus' name!